nonsense in my head

i often post on here
when i dont want anyone else to hear me

my new philosophy

like i said....my new philosophy, what do you think?

ive been thinking a lot lately. and whats the point in letting myself get down? there isnt any, cos im the only one who knows it. ive learnt to cover my feelings so well, no one even notices. so i might as well get happy then yeah?

thinking happy makes you feel happy
thinking and letting yourself feel down, obviously gets you down.

its all in the way you think
positive mental attitude all the way
i can see it now. the new craze. think happy. be happy.
cool.
well it works for me

im gd.
how are you?

what a corny title

i havent written on here in so long
but if i write on my myspace
too many people will read it, and i really dont want some of them too.

right
chatting with becky. who is in like some crisis mode. i swear she only speaks to me on msn when she has an issue of some kind. i suppose i should be flattered. im the one she goes to now. and i am. i like to help people. its like....my thing. maybe i should be going into therapy, or like whats the word....counselling. something like that. i do like to help people sort their problems out.

but thats beside the point.

love

becky has this issue. and im helping her out
but who am i to tell her what to do?
im about as experienced as a .... well i dunno....something which has no experience in that department. i hate it. like proper hate it. and its like the one thing you cant do anything about. you know? hmmm. im probably making no sense.

but i was thinking last night.
im 18 in like...just over a month and a bit now. and i havent even held hands with a guy. like ever. except like in primary school when you go on a trip. thats so gay. but you know what i mean. it just...it gets to you after a while. i mean...whats wrong with me?

what is wrong with me?

i dont get it.
it makes you feel kinda low.
theres like those people who are just in a relationship for the hell of it. and then theres those who are in it for the right reasons. and its like. really nice. i dont begrudge other people. why would i? if they are happy then good luck to them you know. but what about people like me? who are just left wondering. and waiting. for what seems like forever. i even tried that, if you dont think about it things happen, you know...but then its like...in your face everyday, especially if your friends with the people i know. chloe for instance. shes been with will for like 9 months now. and im her relationship advice line. so if i can help her, why cant i help myself?

answer. because no one wants me in the first place.

its kinda hard not to be hard on yourself after a while. you know. because no one does want me. i know friends and that. but whatever they say. that is different. i dont think i feel as close to my friends as i would to someone i went out with. i dont know. i just dont. it probably doesnt help im quite a secretive person. like. i dont share things. chloe knows less about me now than she did when i first let her into my life. they all do. no one knows me. not really. like iv opted to tell basically no one all of this....well actually katie...if your reading this, sorry, you might as well stop ....but yeah. i dont tell anyone anything about what goes on in my head. i should. but i dont. my family dont know me either. i just feel lost really.

i want soemone i feel close enough to so i can tell them everything.
so i dont have to lie about everything.
so i can just open up and know they wont judge me for it. or freak out or whatever.
so i can just be me.
the mad crazy girl thats inside of me who wants to get out but i dont let
the quiet sensitive girl who stays buried real deep.
just me
no one knows her yet.
i havent found anyone i feel that comfortable with
i havent found anyone who wants me for me
no one wants me for me
so im just waiting

the end

wow really really long time since i wrote on here.
so much has happened since the last time i wrote, its actually quite unbelievable!!

ive dropped business!! yes go me! and im not even exageratin when i say it was a weight off my shoulders, it really was...i felt total freedom when i got the silly form signed, it was brilliant!! im so happy i dropped it....but i well miss spending time with abi and katie...cos i hardly see them now :( i will make special visits to 106 just to see them...and thats a promise :)

loadsa other shit (sorry naughty word) has happened...but its crap and so i cannot be bothered to babble on about it! the only thing i will chat about is chloes party...which 3 of my friends succesfully ruined cos they got so drunk they couldnt control themselves...even though they promised they wouldnt. and they dont even think they did anything wrong. i coulda killed them. got so annoyed and they knew it. still havent made it up with jay. oops. but he was a complete idiot. so i frankly cant be bothered right now! but i feel like im missing something cos i dont wanna talk to him, thats just pathetic lol nevermind! we had fun after we made them leave....2 hours or so with just the un-drunk of us and chloes boyfriend/his friend/chloes brother. it was really cool. sitting in her garden basically in the dark till 11 on thursday night! :)

back to the positive.........its katies bday tomorrow!!! :D yay happy days for her ... but i dont think i can go to her picnic thingy ... apparently i told my mum like years ago i would help at my old schools fair?? why would i do that! lol buts i will let you know katie asap!! hoping i can come!

ok this is kinda long! im gonna go now. thats enough info for u to digest for now!

byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

(oh yeah....england are out :( poopy! but murray rocks! he beat roddick...what a legend we have in the making :)!!! )

wooo business homework c'est complete! :) well basically...theres a bit when i have nothing else to say and its like a paragraph for a 12 mark question but bugger it! im done!! it only took like an hour anda half to do it! meh!!! (luvin the paragraph styleeeee of this....you know u are!)

that was all

except
we got major screwed today....oh yes we did.....southborough peeps caught in common room...and there were like 15 of em! lol we only invited 2 in!!!!! where the hell did the others come from...mr power c'est major screeeeewy! over it...oh dear. and then what did we do....broke the bloudy door! then legged it so we didnt get in more trouble! how guilty do we look now!

woops

made for a fun afternoon though :)

au revoir

not undertsnading the business homework

cant read the case study its on

havent got passed the first 2 paragraphs

talking to jay is distracting

so is the music

but really

im not understanding anything

so im giving up

yippppeeeeee

freedom!

i decided to write an entry and have just sat here for like.....45 mins not writing it, so i guess this is all your gonna get, just wanted to tell you im still here and not enjoying the long weekend already!

pins and needles in my hand!!! oucheys....this has taken ages to type!!!! i was stupidly leaning on my hand reasding something, and now its like....dead! but its at that stage when the feeling starts comin back, as pins and needles....damn it hurts!

anyway
that wasnt the reason for this inspired entry :)
im not exactly sure what was....i just felt like it...arent you lucky! im afraid i doubt it will be a mega entry again though...like last time, but that was cos i hadnt written for like flippin ages!
im eating raspberry cheesecake..yummy..but my tummy still feels funny and still feels like its doin summersaults, so the cheesecake may be a bad idea! meh...its yum, so i dont really care! what a rebel (or an idiot depending on which way you look at it!)

this day that i like to call...today...was just B O R I N G....and business was just ridiculous presentations....and oi missy, me thought you said that mr p said the self evaluation whatsit was a bad idea....well the silly cow is making us do it anyway! whats that all about........actually...why am i stressing over it, i wont be there!!! woot woot woot! zippedy doo dah zippedy day my oh my what a fantabulous day! (what a loser i am!)best bit of the lesson...really being a rebel avec ma copine katie, cos we wrote notes! oooo tut tut tut indeed....but come on, the woman is an idiot, the presentations got boring after like...mine and fraisers obv, and being told you cant talk makes you wanna talk more, so obv....out comes a piece of paper! oh yes...cool beans to the both of us :)

ive given up thinking about photography, cos its pointless....ditto to graphics....and media, well i should be doing that work now, as in, finishing the prject, but hey, this is wahey more fun!

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

wowsers...what to say now i guess......ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm lol im luvin the mmmm's across the page, quite hard to read what they are cos they just look like black splodges! maybe thats my eyesight....been doing bugger all at the comp for like an hour anda half....square eyes! lol i want something interesting to say.....um...i dont know what though...my life is indeed rather uninteresting just lately, aside from all the school crap, so meh....i have nothing to say but feel like babbling endlessly just to keep myself amused and probably annoy you reading this intensely ha di ha di ha haaaaaaaaa!

right im going
this is actually mega long again....but its full of a load of crap...with a capital C! (that saying dont work when ur typing...have u noticed?!?!??) anyway...procrastinating again! media is calling me...."susan oh great one please finish me so you can have the evening to spend as you wish...i need to be finished!!!"....so i suppose i must be easily persuaded on this one if i am ever to get back that thing i used to call a social life any time soon!
ta ra chuck
xXx

its been such a damn long time since i wrote on here....and let me see last time i was probably droning on about ben wasnt i? i guess i probably was.....so a little update.....he and his gf are going good and i am way happy for him....finally got over my lil, oi hes mine stage!!! but yeah....i havent spoken to him for ages, beginning to think hes disappeared, or is not talking to me and thus avoiding me...or somethings happened to him....not sure which id prefer! anyway, this is not all going to be about him!

ok....i cant actually member when the last time i wrote was...and cant be bothered to look, so im just gonna go with random stuff thats been happening lately that has been important in my life.....here goes nothing................

back talking to chlo and its like the best feeling in the world, she went away for easter and i have never texted someone so much as i did her, and she did me, and its all just so great :) happy days......and i guess part of the reason i felt there was a prob between us was cos of will....her bf, and this is gonna sound gay, cos i guess i was jealous, and she did obv go off for a bit, cos she was like totally into him, as you would expect...but now that initial madness has calmed down...and even though ive never met him we both want the same thing, for chlo to be happy and i know he does that...so im tres happy for her too :)

all my friends are arsin about atm...loads of us went out in easter and had a massive argument outside the rotunda, which was horrible....people left and walked away...while some of us sat very confusedly on the floor! and then i found out i was involved even though i didnt know anything about what was being said...and got mega hurt when i found out jay had been bitchin about me and saying crap stuff about me to gareth, poor thing, who was like stuck in between groups.............(the groups thing is that 3 people have like split themselves off from our groupie and kinda gone it alone, which caused one mega rift! sounds like a flippin soap drama think on tv lol) and so i was well hurt...........did get a very nice apology though, and i knew he meant it when he said he meant none of it, and the text later confirmed it for me. but yeah, so mega rift going down in our group....sorta calmed a bit today, but damn tuesday, wednesday and yesterday were like woah tense!!! steph from the trio is now goin out with someone who stuck with the rest of us....so i guess thats forcing the two sides bk together.....still tension, but we are all in hope that it can be sorted, cos are groupie when we get together rocks!

school is crap as ever. graphics is just a pain in the butt. nuff said! (apart from the fact that i have to have, by next friday, and idea written on an official piece of paper of what my entire yr 13 graphics project will be about...this will then be sent off and the idea cannot be changed!! arrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! springs to mind lol)
photography exam in 2 weeks...book still very empty, no films taken....need i say more..!!
media....and business...i swear i dont actually know what is going on in those lessons so no comment on them!

home is good. and ive just started that befriending thing we had a talk about in sixth form at the beginnin...anya, the girl ive been paired with is well nice, so thats cool :) everything else is groovy ooovy..........................except i had a mini breakdown half way through easter lol.......wrote a blog on msn space about it....if u wanna read it lol it was a bit of a rant! and ive decided i want things to change now...starting with a haircut randomly lol what do u think i should have done, any ideas!?!???

anyway
i guess thats enough now, and paragraphs, proud of me, you better be! :)
if you read all that, then well done lol cos it was a flippin lot! i have discovered that i waffle a lot, but i think everythin i wrote here was relevant to my life as i know it atm....if i missed anythin, you should be glad lol

ta ra
x

wrote this while i was talking to ben last night.
after he told me he was going on a date.
and i cried! damn me. such an idiot.

How can you not know what you mean to me?
How can you not know i care?
Why cant you see this is hurting me,
Eating me up into despair?
I will still be here when you leave me,
Supporting whatever your need,
Laughing at your jokes,
Crying with your tears,
Holding you through your fears,
While inside my heart is slowly breaking,
As you stand with her by my side.

I hate it when things totally change, even though they dont change, you know things will be different.

that was my blog yesterday
i know he is allowed a life lol
but it still hurts

i ran out of the common room this morning
han came in and just said, i need to give u a big hug.
worst thing to say. i had to leave before i started crying. how daft is that. nothing even happened between us! and i havent lost him. we talked for like 7 hours total yesterday. i mean thats pretty mega. so hes still there. just with somebody else. possibly. and bless him. he was so undeniably sweet. i was giving him advice...me....never been on a date in my life, was giving him advice. and like...he was like, i dont know whether we should go out if its raining, and i waslike, ok, maybe im just odd, but that could make it more fun...the excitement of running around in the rain......and he was like, yeah, thats a great idea, ur not odd.............so i was inwardly screaming, so make it meeeeeeeeeeeee! lol i think i need help.

i cried silent tears yesterday.
while i was talking to him.
im such an idiot.
i told you i shouldnt get so attached.
i knew this would happen

(sorry about the line breaks there!)

hope you feel ok today
x